she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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