The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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