Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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