so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
