The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
