I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
