remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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