I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
