Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
