i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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