I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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