wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
