you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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