i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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