I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
