Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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