So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
