Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am mentally ready for anal.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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