he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
