??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
