i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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