nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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