I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
