i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
