Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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