I got chris browned last night
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
