So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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