she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
