we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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