I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
