I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
