God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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