She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
