I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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