Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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