the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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