The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
