from now on my penis is your penis
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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