I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
