i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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