$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
