this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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