I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
