i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
