doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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