we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I just put wine in my tea
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
