Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
