Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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