my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
