you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
