Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
