he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
